Your Nose Is In The Way

I’m about to go on a rant. Just thought I’d let you know in case you want to check out. This one’s going to be heavy.

The things I’m going to say need to be said. I’ll start with this:

It is serious hard work trying to be nice enough to justify the reasons why folks ask inconsiderate questions! First you ask if I have children. Okay I get that. Maybe you have some of your own and you want to trade stories about how they cut their bangs too short or scored the lead role in a school play. Once my answer is no, what’s the deal with the follow up questions? And then your face looks like you’re trying to discern if you’re having a heart attack or not.

Yes, I’m in my mid-thirties, married, and no biological or adopted children. So what? Don’t ask me when I’ll have some. It’s not an exact science, you know. I know it seems easy cause there’s fifteen year-old girls getting pregnant from a shared piece of gum, but I don’t chew gum and I’m not fifteen. Besides, why are you asking me when? Are you trying to build your schedule around it so you can be available to baby-sit? Do you need a heads up so you can adjust your budget to include their college fund? I don’t know! 

You can’t just leave it there, though. It must be because I don’t want children right? Let’s say that was the case, why do you need know if it is? What’s next? Who does that make me to you? Why you want to know the reason I don’t have children? Are you writing a research paper for your doctorate? Or maybe you know a guy who knows a guy who can hook me up if I needed it.

Don’t twist it, my story of pregnancy difficulties is not a private story. I’ve tried. Five pregnancies, six babies, three of them I had to labor, but none of them could be brought to a healthy term. So yeah I get pissed off when someone determines that I’m rather old to not have children so I must not have wanted any. I have to be pissed cause I’m not about to keep crying. Are you trying to make me cry? Is that it? It’s like a dude who asks you what’s wrong because he knows you love him but both of you know he doesn’t love you. He keeps asking what’s wrong until you tell him, “I love you.” Then he shakes his head as he reminds you he doesn’t feel the same. Why the heck are you asking then? That’s the feeling. I could see if you were asking because you are sensitive to it, are going through yourself and need someone to identify with, or trying to understand why I can’t seem to hold it together at random points throughout the day. But if you’re asking me because you’re establishing judgment or deciding how you’re going to solve my problem without a medical license or asking just to freaking ask… don’t.

Oh but wait, I must be considerate. You didn’t know. I have to excuse how awful you’d feel if you knew. Man, go sit down somewhere! If you did know, you’d be like those with no medical degree who say all I need to do is stay on bed rest the next time. Because that’s what your friend’s cousin’s little sister’s mother had to do. No matter how many people in the world suffer through the process of building a family, it always feels like the struggle is unique. It doesn’t have to be rational. It just is. So please don’t lump me in with all the people you know who had what you perceive to be the same problem.

Do I sound angry? I’m not. It’s more of a Kanye rant. Had to get it off. I’ve been lectured about being rude to people asking me these doggone questions. I’ve lectured myself! I had to say all this for the other men and women who like me, get the questions and the accusations and then have work through our own emotions on account of someone who didn’t know. It should be common sense, although we all know that doesn’t really exist. During casual conversation you don’t expect to hear someone’s pain just as you don’t expect to share yours. So when I’m asked when I’ll have kids or if I’m working on it, don’t be offended when I ask you why. It’s a question you should have asked yourself before you asked me my business.